Experiments in the name of Science
by Timothy Took
Summary: The crew of the Enterprise has been out in space for several months now, and nothing interesting has happened.  Kirk decides to boost crew morale with a series of experiments on a certain half-Vulcan...  5&1, with quite a bit of cracky awesomeness!  R&R!
1. Captain's Log

_**A/N: **_**I have been meaning to do a 5+1 for a while, and then suddenly, out of the swirly blue of the Enterprise's warp nacelles, came this. Enjoy… (first chapter is only this, I know, but the actual experiments will come, all in good time, all in good time…)**

_**Almost forgot… **_**Disclaimer: STAR TREK IS NOT MINE, MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE. (all I own is a bobble head Spocky and DVDs of all three seasons of TOS, and all 11 movies that have come out so far. Oh yes - I also own a mind that is constantly thinking about Star Trek, but I have Gene Roddenberry -AWESOMENESS ALERT!- to thank for that.)**

…

_**Experiments in the name of Science**_

Captain James T Kirk was sitting on the bridge, and he was Bored. With a capital 'B'. This was never usually a good sign, especially not for the people around him, as it more often than not meant that he was going to get them into some kind of trouble, and even more so when he had an Idea. Oh dear. He had a small smile on his face which meant… Yes. He had an Idea. Spock turned away from the captain and Vulcan-not-sighed. Today was not going to be a good one.

_ Captain's Log, Stardate 2345.7_

_We have been travelling through space for several months now, and nothing of interest has happened. Crew morale is running dangerously low, and I have taken it upon myself to provide some entertainment. I shall conduct some…er… _experiments_, which will hopefully boost spirits, enabling my crew to work at optimum efficiency. Kirk out._

…

_**A/N:**_** How about that for the amazing cliff-hanger? Awful, I know, but I promise you, it will get better (hopefully). I don't actually think this one will have too much trouble from the Ensigns - they're mostly busy in **_**Bunny, Bunny**_** (another of my stories, which it would be much appreciated if you read *end shamless plug*), but they may randomly appear at convenient moments. As usual, reviews are like cookies, and they are wery much appreciated. And for a teaser of what is to come: **

**1. Shoe Polish**

**2. Bowling ball shiner**

**3. Hairbrush**

**4. Straighteners**

**5. Scissors**

**+1. Chocolate**

**Virtual muffins for those who guess who the test subject is…!**

**Also, are there any requests as to what language I do the A/N in (examples: Wulcan, Russian, Japanese, Klingon, etc.)- I'm open to any ideas, so please drop a review , or PM me.**


	2. 1, Shoe polish

_**A/N: **_**I have received a request to do the intro in Klingon, but there isn't really much that I know other than insults and some random 'useful' phrases, so here goes…**

**Worf (a Klingon from TNG): ****Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam (**_**It is a good day to die**_**)**

**Me: Hab SoSll' Quch (**_**Your mother has a smooth forehead**_** - **this is a massive insult to Klingons**) **

**Worf: **_**What did you say?**_

**Me: Heh heh. I don't own Star Trek?**

**Worf: Fascinating.**

**Spock: I believe that is my line.**

**Worf: Hab SoSll' Quch**

**Spock: Why thank you.**

**Me: Mavjop, qa mUSha cho (**_**Paperclip, I love you**_**)**

**Worf: Ensign Richards, Why are you declaring your undying love to a paperclip with awful grammar?**

**Me: *facepalm* **

**And that is the end of my awful attempt at a Klingon intro. Vulcan might be easier.**

_**1. Shoe Polish**_

**Aim:**

To boldly find out what happens when we take away a certain half-Vulcan's shoe polish.

**Method:**

It was nearing the end of alpha shift, and Jim Kirk was getting excited. Spock was on duty for the next shift, while he was not - a perfect time for him to get what he needed from Spock's quarters and then skidaddle before anyone saw him. Of course, no one would question his behaviour, what with him being the captain and all that, but still…

_Three minutes to go…_

The Captain was smiling like crazy, beaming at all his crew members; some thought he might have gone slightly psycho - maybe the vast expanse of deep space was finally taking its toll - but none of them said anything. It wasn't that different to normal anyway.

_Two minutes to go…_

He was getting quite jumpy now, excited about what he was going to do. He felt a bit like a roguish child who had a penchant for getting into trouble, but he waved it away - he had more important things to think about, for example, there was only_ one minute to go…_

Finally! The shift was over! While other crew members trudged out, he positively skipped off the bridge and into the turbo lift.

**Results:**

It was silent on the bridge, and everyone was waiting patiently, waiting for the First Officer to come. Everyone knew what the Captain had done, and they all wanted to see the results. Finally, the turbo-lift doors opened to reveal the Vulcan, and he was certainly practising the Vulcan "Death-Glare", and this most definitely did NOT have anything to do with the fact that his shoe polish was missing...

The man's hair was, to put it politely, a _slightly strange colour_, and not exactly very shiny like it usually was. Kirk began to giggle, quietly at first, but then steadily getting stronger and louder, until he was soon rolling around on the floor, unable to control his fits of mirth. The science officer stepped forwards, took a look around him and made his way to his station. The famous eyebrow began to levitate up his head. Jim finally managed to regain control of himself and placed himself in his chair.

"So Spock. About your hair... Is it... Is it actually a regulation... _colour_?"

"I have no comment on the matter. However, I would like to submit a complaint."

"Eh? Spock, you never normally complain…"

"Yes, Captain. But, now is not 'normal'. _Someone_, not mentioning any names, _**James T. Kirk**_, and not glaring pointedly at _**anybody**_in particular, _**especially**_not _**James Tiberius Kirk**_, has stolen my shoe polish."

The captain began to look a little sheepish at that, but was slightly saved by the good doctor coming to his aid.

"Well, what do you know - the hobgoblin's finally learnt the meaning of sarcasm. Hey Jim, d'ya think he's been spending too much time around you?"

"But-but-but-but you use shoe polish for your _shoes. _What does that have to do with your hair?" said the captain, trying (and failing!) to do his best innocent expression.

"Captain," the Vulcan said, his face hardly betraying any of the annoyance and irritation which was building up inside.

"Yes, Spock?" James T. Kirk's famous innocent smile was still plastered across his face. But that was easily remedied with a Vulcan nerve pinch…

**Conclusion:**

_ Captain's Log, Stardate 2347.1_

_Vulcan nerve pinches give evil headaches! I believe that conducting this experiment again would be a VERY BAD IDEA… Kirk out._

_**A/N:**_** And onto the second experiment!**

**Review replies:**

**Tigwidge: **_**Arwen, thanks for the review! Hope my attempt at Klingon wasn't too bad…?**_

**Kobato00: **_**Hopefully the +1 will live up to your expectations… Thanks for the review!**_

**That's all for now!**

**Oh, wait. Review… please…you know you want to…**


	3. 2, Bowling ball shiner

_**A/N: **_**Intro in Vulcan. I apologise. Again, most of my knowledge of Vulcan is a bit random:**

**Me: Go on, say it Spocky!**

**Spock: No. I refuse to say this. I was humiliated enough in the last chapter; I will not say this.**

**Me: Oh. I did ask nicely. Do you want me to tell Bones that you used to have a teddy bear.**

**Spock: It was alive, and had six-inch fangs. And it is called a 'sehlat'.**

**Me: Bones doesn't need to know that.**

**Spock: Fine. _Pon Farr ka'ranji. Ashau Tlingansu_. This is ridiculous - it is floccinaucinihilipilification. **

**Me: Wow. I know you are a Vulcan, and I know I am writing this and learnt that word yesterday, but still, wow. **

**Spock: Why was I using awful grammar to pronounce my undying love to a cactus and then to a Klingon?**

**Me: Erm… I don't know? Anyway, I don't own Star Trek, much as I would like to! *gets nerve-pinched***

* * *

_**2. Bowling ball shiner**_

**Aim:**

To boldly find out what happens when we take away a certain half-Vulcan's bowling ball shiner.

**Method: **

Again, it was nearing the end of beta shift, and everyone was getting rather tired. Everyone, that is, except for two people. One was Spock, Vulcans not needing as much sleep as humans; the other was the Captain. He was too excited to be tired, and was looking forward to the end of the shift...

At last! The shift was over! Making his way out of the door, Jim Kirk stealthily slipped into the turbo lift with a wink to his communications officer to tell her to distract Spock for a while. She took the hint and made her way over to the half-Vulcan.

"So... Hey, Spock – what's up?"

"In or to a higher position: looking up, or_, _in a direction opposite to the centre of the earth or a comparable-"

"Spock – I don't want the whole dictionary definition, I just want to know what's wrong."

"Oh. If you are referring to my emotional state, Vulcans do not feel emotion. Therefore, nothing is 'wrong'. However, you may be referring to my physical state of being, in which case, I am perfectly well, thank you."

The lieutenant face-palmed. She took a deep breath and began "Spock, I don't know why I'm doing this – the captain told me to distract you for a bit, and I think he's done with doing whatever he was going to do in your quarters and- I think I said too much..." she trailed off as the Vulcan rushed off in the direction of the turbo-lift.

_He's been acting a little strangely recently, _Uhura mused, _ever since that _incident_ with the shoe polish. I wonder what his problem is. Honestly, having fluorescent orange hair is kind of cool, not something to be embarrassed about! Oh well, I guess it's just him being all Vulcanish –having to be logial all the time would get to anybody..._

This train of thought slowed and then came to a halt, as she realised that she should have left to meet Scotty in Rec. Room 5 about half an hour ago. She began to curse her stupidity at following the captain's orders...

...

Jim ran down the corridors casting furtive looks around him – it might be a bit suspicious if he was caught spending too much time hanging around Spock's quarters. Although, he _was_ the Captain – he had every right to be wherever he wanted to be.

Using his Captain's override code, he opened the door to Spock's quarters and quickly slipped inside. There it was, sitting inconspicuously in the corner of the room, under a dark red cloth and with several pointy-looking things on top of it (he was not exactly sure why a pacifist and peace-loving Vulcan would decorate his quarters with ancient Vulcan weapons, but oh well). He gingerly removed the pointy things, and wheeled the incredibly heavy bowling-ball-shiner through their shared bathroom and into his quarters, where he tried to hide it under his bed but realised it wouldn't fit, and so settled for the wardrobe instead. With luck Spock wouldn't look in there... He labelled it 'Under ware Draw' in large, pink, permanent marker letters just in case.

** Results:**

Again, the entire bridge crew were ready and waiting for the First Officer, who was late for the second time that week. But they all knew why… And most of them knew what was probably going to happen to them if they so much as even let out a suppressed giggle, but they still wanted to see it. That 'it' being Spock's hair.

Eventually, after what seemed like a very long time, the half-Vulcan emerged onto the bridge, not looking his usual perfectly groomed self.

Yes, his hair was straight, and black (unlike last time, where it had been fluorescent orange), but it was not exactly shiny. This could possibly be something to do with the absence of his bowling ball shiner in his quarters, but Spock would have to ask a certain _James Tiberius Kirk _about_ that_…

**Conclusion:**

All's well that ends well - Spock got his bowling ball shiner back, and he had no comment on the matter when his captain turned up in Sick Bay comatose and upon waking up complained about a very bad headache, mumbling something about a 'damned Vulcan death-grip'

_Captain's Log, Stardate 2875.4_

Ouchy-ouch. HEADACHE! _Note to self: Do. Not. Ever. Repeat. This. Experiment. Again. Ever._

_**

* * *

**_

A/N:

**Sorry about the wait… I got lost on the path of life… And I also had a lot of homework to do, and a lot of people pestering me to draw them all manga style (**_**ARWEN**_**). So I didn't have much time to do this. And I also was thinking, or attempting/failing to think of a plot for the next chapter of Bunny, Bunny.**

_**Review Replies:**_

**aiji-mango: Thanks for the review. And glad you like the story.**

**Tigwidge: Do I really need to reply - I think I already did at school. Oh well, you might feel left out otherwise… Thanks for the review.**

**Kobato00: That would be really adorable - a kid Spocky nerve pinching all the bullies! Anyway, thanks!**

**Shadowgal98: Me too… Especially if they're called Spock! Hope the intro was ok? Thanks for the review!**

_**And so my friends, until next chapter, so long, and thanks for all the fish/reviews.**_


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